What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 02:33
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Put me off passion for life!!
We all went to grammer schools
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Do straight guys like to see cocks?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Who then, do I blame.?
When she asked me how she looked .
As i do to all so called friends.?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I waited trembling.
Why do I (45, male) feel like I'm crushing on a girl (19, female)?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Has anyone ever had sex with their cousin? How did it start, and would you do it again?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
This is soul school!.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I have no regrets .
She wouldn,t have been !
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Comes on , in middle age.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But, we were locked up after school.
He knew the spot.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was very sick at this time too.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Especially a lifetime of it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I said to her
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She married twice! .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was 9 years of age.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She loved him until the end.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I will be 64.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We were not on the streets..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And i lived it daily.
My life is so biszare .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Ive learnt so much.
(And it was in our own minds.)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was seconnd youngest,
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
What did i know ?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was scared of men, in general
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She found it foreign!.
I write beautiful poetry .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
One cannot live in the past .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Would this be the day?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
It was going to be , some day.
All the time i was locked up.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I think the readers, may guess!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
So whats the point in blame.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But it wasn’t much.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
So, i spoilt her more .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Why did i forgive my father ?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was in good health!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My family never makes their pension either.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I don,t even have a pension.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I could never make a relationship work though!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im still living with it.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.